The Real Problem ...

Come, sit, and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee in the comfort of the Lord:  "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away , with all malice."  Ephesians  4:31


“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil."   Ephesians  6:10-11

Not long ago, a couple came for marriage counseling with a lengthy list of all the issues they were facing. It must have had at least 30 things on it.

I felt instantly depressed as I watched them pull out that list. How am I ever going to help them solve so many issues? I thought, as they began to read every item.

On and on they read, naming what sounded like legitimate sources of conflict. I could easily see why they weren’t getting along.

Once the couple finished reading, the husband handed me the list and I faced a decision: Would I go through this list with them and provide input on each issue, or would I address the real source of their conflict?

I looked at the list. Then I looked at the couple.

Both of them had hopelessness — even anger — written all over their faces. Then I looked back at the list, carefully and thoughtfully penned.

And I tore it up.

Right there in front of them. You can imagine what their faces looked like then.

They’d taken time to prepare this list for our meeting, and I had just shredded it.

I leaned toward them and said, “We could talk about these 30 things, but nothing will ultimately change in your marriage, because this one thing is missing: the spiritual foundation of your relationship.

“Without establishing and maintaining a solid spiritual relationship, your list of 30 things, once solved, will just morph into another 30, and you’ll wind up back here the same time next year with another list of things to solve.”

I could tell they were listening intently, so I continued. “Get this one thing right, and all the other things will fall into place. Get a divine perspective on your marriage as the foundation for your home, and you’ll discover who your true enemy is — and it is not each other.”

Fights in our marriages assume that our spouses are the problem.

And that’s exactly what the devil wants.

He wants me to believe my spouse is the problem — not my own selfishness. He knows I will never fix the real problem if I believe my mate is the problem.

But ultimately, my spouse is not my enemy, nor the problem. The problem is a spiritual one brought on by my own sinful flesh, and a rebellious, clever enemy of God.

So much of what we fight about in marriage has nothing to do with the real issue. There’s almost always something deeper — an unmet need, a lack of trust, a lack of respect, etc. These are the root of our problems and fights.

However, what makes a marriage strong is loving with a biblical love grounded in patience, kindness, loyalty, grace, and in alignment with God’s covenantal purpose for marriage.

Often things we fight about have to do with our own sinful choices, as well as the demonic realm working against us. When we fail to make a spiritual connection to everything that goes on in marriage, we’ll continue to rant about whatever the current issue is.

That’s why I must commit my marriage to prayer and cultivate a real relationship in humility while seeking God’s wisdom and guidance and asking for His love, grace and mercy.

God’s Word reminds us to “be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil” (Ephesians 6:10-11).

I’m happy to say that when the couple I mentioned earlier sought to view each other and their relationship through God’s eyes, they made every attempt to cultivate and keep their marriage.

Over time I saw the wife’s countenance lift as if she were becoming a brand-new woman. I also saw the husband enjoy a relationship with his wife that had brought him dread. To this day, they are living the fullness of a life together, in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.

God supplies the strength we need to successfully do battle in our marriages. So let’s use the difficulties we face to get on our knees and seek God’s face to grow closer to Him.

Dear Lord, I know that decisions made apart from Your wisdom notoriously wind up causing more harm than good. Help me seek You first, identify the true enemy in my marriage and suit up in the full armor You’ve provided so I can stand firm in the truth. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

From the website:  "Proverbs 31" by Dr. Tony Evans.

Sorrows And Holy Living

Come, sit, and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee in the comfort of the Lord:  "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice."  Ephesians  4:31


"For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of:  but the sorrow of the world worketh death."                                   2  Corinthians  7:10

     "Doesn't it seem hard when you think of the many there are in the world, that you should be singled out for such bereavement and loneliness?"
     She replied with a smile:
     "I am not singled out, dear.  There are thousands of God's own dear children scattered over the world suffering far more than I do.  And I do not think there are many persons in it who are happier than I am.  I was bound to my God and Savior before I knew a sorrow, it is true.  But it was by a chain of many links; and every link that dropped away brought me closer to Him, till at last, having nothing left, I was shut up to Him and learned fully what I had only learned partially, how soul-satisfying He is."
     "You think then,"  I said while my heart died within me, "that husband and children are obstacles in our way and hinder our getting nearer to Christ?"
     "Oh no!"  she cried.  "God never gives us hindrances.  On the contrary, He means, in making us wives and mothers, to put us into the very conditions of holy living."

Beware Of The Dog!

Come, sit, and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee in the comfort of the Lord:  "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice."  Ephesians  4:31

"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears."   Proverbs  26:17

     Never catch a dog by the ears, for it is the most sensitive part of his body.  Pull his tail if you must - but not his ears - never, unless you want to be bitten.  Solomon compares this foolish, dangerous act with persons who meddle in other people's affairs.  But sometimes you can't avoid it and you are unwillingly involved.

     Pity the poor preacher who is expected to patch up a quarrel between husband and wife.  He has "two strikes on him" before he begins.  If he takes the side of the wife - the husband is mad.  If he sides with the husband - the wife is angry, and if he refuses to take sides at all - both of them are ready to snap at him - for trying to take a dog by the ears.  If the couple are unsaved, then we can often help them a great deal, probably show them that their troubles would be solved if they would only accept the Lord.  But when Christians who know the Lord and His Word cannot patch up their squabbles, what chance has an outsider who comes in to tackle the longeared dog?

     Some time ago a lady called begging me to come over right away because her husband threatened to leave her.  "Please come over, please, and straighten this out!"  They had been feuding for days.  I asked her if she was a Christian and she said  "Yes."  "Is your husband a Christian?"  The reply was  "Yes, and he's listening on the extension phone."  "Well,"  I said,  "if you are both Christians, you can settle your trouble immediately.  I am not coming over until after you have read together Ephesians 4:32.  'And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  That is God's solution - try it first, and if that doesn't work, call me and I'll come over.  But you must believe Ephesians 4:32 and do it.  If it fails, call me."  I am still waiting for the call.  Don't bother others with your problems when you have the answer right before you in the Bible.

"Bread For Each Day"

Ephesians 5:14, 22-33

Come, sit, and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee in the comfort of the Lord:  "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice."  Ephesians  4:31

22. Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26. That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31. FOR THIS CAUSE SHALL A MAN LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL BE JOINED UNTO HIS WIFE, AND THEY TWO SHALL BE ONE FLESH.
32. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence (respects) her husband.